Wednesday, 23 December 2009

“When in Rome”

We were salivating like Pavlov dogs with the prospect of sharing a room with 7 boys in Byron Bay but in reality it smelt of congealed spunk, BO and damp running shoes.

A dear friend of ours, Knut, introduced us to Norwegian customs ‘Snooze.’ Tobacco balls that you insert under your lip against your gum with supposed effects of making you feel dizzy... BUT in reality it only makes you look like you’re growing a turd tumour on your face.

Meanwhile Knut is staggering around in the background repeatedly saying “don’t you feel dizzy?”...

  “Eeerm no”.. .We had to sex up the experience by approaching people round the hostel telling them we were eating their shit we scooped out the toilet.

This amused us immensely and also prompted K to pick up a guitar boasting that when she played people cried from an overload of emotion. Plucking the strings, singing some out of tune bullshit whilst holding the guitar upside down meant people really were crying...

After an eventful pre-drinks, a crew of drunken Europeans left the hostel for the escapades to continue into the night. Being poor we chose to take our goon with us, fuck buying some watered down sugary overpriced bullshit drink in a bullshit club with ugly bullshit Djs . In an indiscreet fashion the goon came out to play - these are the last 2 snaps taken before a bouncer gapped K’s arm and escorted us off the premises.

Snap 1: goon on head (not obvious at all)                                     Snap 2: goon being openly consumed

Within five days we had been removed or refused entry form all drinking holes in Bryon. And yes, we pride ourselves on this!

Thursday, 26 November 2009

Australia: Sydney

We rocked up partially naked expecting to be met by rays of scorching sun. Unfortunately this was not the case. It was fucking freezing, pissing it down!

What do you do in such dyer situations?

You befriend some Ozzi guys, one of whom was wearing coloured contact lenses (cringe) aka “Blue-eyed Rapist” and his friend aka “Fatty” for self explanatory reasons of being fat...
They were ugly, unintelligent and Blue-eyed rapist was partially deaf but the possibilities of free drinks meant we stayed. Due to the unexpected bad weather we dragged the pre-drinking group we had collected into the sauna. We shared a dorm with two 18 year old Brits – easily swayed thanks to them wearing retainers, being young and privately educated. After a few drinks and shouting one syllable words into Blue-eyed Rapist ears we were graced with his favourite chat up line...

“If you get raped, you jus’ gotta ge’ over it”

Silence fell – “erm excuse me?” He soon received the Annie and K treatment and proceeded to get slapped. By this point one of the 18 year olds was battered and after a few words of encouragement she too joined in.

                    One...,               Two....,               Three....

K fell for Blue-eyed Rapist’s ‘charm’ and had a cheeky snogg – Fatty made head ways for Annie but his chat just wasn’t quite cutting it. The next hour was spent trying to get the wasted 18 year old in the club and fighting with Fatty because he expected some neck action...

After empting their wallets we made a hasty escape from Fatty and Blue-eyed Rapist... During our stumble home we found ourselves demanding drugs from an illiterate obese bouncer, epic fail. We begged for friendship with a police man, he was unimpressed. We then proceeded to pretend to sell meth in our YHA hostel....oh dear. With an overall unenthusiastic reaction we went to bed.

Sydney cock? Well neither of us were willing to get raped or squashed to find out...

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

The Rise of the Street Cotch

THS is Street Cotch!

Hundreds of women and the occasional puff gathering on the walk ways and pavements around exchange square in Hong Kong during the weekend. They sit on or in cardboard boxes eating homemade food, passing as purified animal genitals. They bitch on the phone, nap, play cards, people watch and swear at white lesbian looking couples who won’t stop taking photos.

Think about how much money we flitter away gathering in Starbucks or bars? Their weekend costs equate to almost nothing....

We want you to bring the Street Cotch to England. Grab a cardboard box and set camp, an umbrella would be advised - we’re thinking outside Topshop on Oxford Street or for a more authentic Street Cotch experience pick a pavement in China Town. If you get arrested or mistaken as a tramp then we do apologise in advance!

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Not you’re normal Sunday

It planned to be your average Sunday – a laze on a beach, maybe a few cocktails and then some beauty sleep before another loooong flight inevitably resulting in an overdose of sleeping pills and red wine.

Only plans changed once we sniffed out some potential English shlong, not that we had missed it all that much…

We got chatting to a chappie that had been living in Hong Kong for 5 years and his advice was golden. After only a few minutes he cleverly sussed out what kind of girls we were and therefore invited us to join him to a ‘velvet curtain’ (strip) club. In Hong Kong the line between a strip joint and brothel is VERY fuzzy.

We were soon persuaded by a madam to walk through her clubs curtains. The inside reminds us of Wilkinson’s during Christmas – lots of plastic green trees and tasteless red lights. Plus a few scantily dressed philipino girls drinking shots of “vodka” which we soon sussed out was water.. For a measly $115 Hong Kong dollar “”vodka”” shot (around £11) we got Pilipino chat, tits, arse and a filthy dance but when is that ever enough?

So we joined them on their poles – not so gracefully, our oversized British boobs flying around stage like bulls in a china shop (don’t worry we managed to stay dressed!)

K getting on DOWN

Physically forced some Air head Americans to buy the other girls “”vodka”” shots to get the rest of the girls up on stage and naked.

BUT as much fun as it was, Pilipino muff was NOT the reason for going to Hong Kong and we didn’t think our English chappie could handle the both of us…

Friday, 16 October 2009

Safest taxi driver in the whole of Hong Kong

The first taxi man was your average arse hole - short fused and didn't know where the fuck we wanted to go... "Its something like Lang Kfwang FOng Chwong Foo" It was followed by the usual argument - taxi man Vs genie on how much to pay, the language barrier made it all the more interesting

the locals rave on the streets outside the bars and clubs and purchase their liquor from Seven Eleven, the Hong Kong OMCO. This has an added advantage of socialising with music without added bar costs.

Some ugly Liverpudlian with an abnormally sweaty face "Can i get you a drink." Walked into Seven Eleven and bought us a few cans - skanky bellend

... After a small blast of techno we made our way back to the converted toilet with some Singapore boys ..

Hailed down a taxi...

But this Taxi man was out right, the coolest taxi man to ever grace the planet

Not like the arse holes in Selly Oak we usually short change or clip clop away without paying. He didn't smell, have a cheeky perv, get his mates to rob our house, child lock us in his car or take us the 'long way' round.

He raved - He laughed - he gave us his Mix CD and he lit up a splif ... what a ledged - The knowledge of DJ GFUNK was born.

Have a nosey

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Hong Kong- Massage at Chung King Mansions

So we rocked up at the hostel to discover they forgot we were coming. They had no space left, so they took us to some Indian family’s apartment and put us in a room resembling a scene out of Saw. You could hear rats running through the air events in the walls and ceiling. The toilet didn’t flush and the hose coming out of it was our shower...

So what do we do in such dyer situations?
Laugh, get shit faced and down some sleeping pills..

So we left the windowless pit aka converted bathroom, smelling of curry, Indian BO and aeroplane in search of booze and Cantonese cock. We befriended a variety of travellers, although none would dare come back to our hostel.

Eventually we were propositioned!!!

On Return to the converted toilet, in a lift that smelt like Bombay aloo a massage boy bragged about giving western girls incredible massages. Offering us “very good deal, very good deal” we politely refused... Sensing our lack of interest he made us a special deal “especially for you two, for free!” as tempting as it was, we declined the offer s.
Then he begged to PAY US for his services, whilst holding his own blanket trying to bombard his way into our converted toilet....

We still declined....

We later discovered Chung King mansion is renowned for being one of the worst hostels in Asia.... genie error Type 1!


Monday, 28 September 2009


We feel we’ve caused enough chaos in England and think you need a well deserved rest (at least a year) to recover physically and mentally... our choice to travel was a selfless act...

We decided that the best way to record such mass destruction is to enter the world of ‘blogging’ ergh... cringe! BUT we aim not to be too annoying with facebook status' of "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, READ OUR BLOG, OUR LIVES ARE BETTER THAN YOURS!!" This blog is going to be more like ‘The Girl with a One Track Mind’, only less self fisting & lube rubbing..... that’s for the video blog users only ;)

The majority of you think (wish/pray) we wont return on the grounds of:

  1. We will both develop meth addictions (40% chance)

  2. We will die of accidental causes such as jumping off a cliff because shrooms said we could fly (10% chance)

  3. Find rich, old, ugly men and marry them in Vegas (5% chance)

  4. Get dragged into the sex trade...... willingly (30% chance)

  5. End up in jail somewhere in the world (15% chance)

Regardless of such endings, they are risks we are willing to take; we need a break from emotionally stunted, boring, British men; we need some bloody sun.!! And most of all we need an excuse to not have to grow up! Plus, you never know, we may even learn something or even become cultured!

First stop HONG KONG!!!

Average male height: 5 ft 6 "
Average erect penis: 3.5 "

desperate times desperate measures....