Thursday, 26 November 2009

Australia: Sydney

We rocked up partially naked expecting to be met by rays of scorching sun. Unfortunately this was not the case. It was fucking freezing, pissing it down!

What do you do in such dyer situations?

You befriend some Ozzi guys, one of whom was wearing coloured contact lenses (cringe) aka “Blue-eyed Rapist” and his friend aka “Fatty” for self explanatory reasons of being fat...
They were ugly, unintelligent and Blue-eyed rapist was partially deaf but the possibilities of free drinks meant we stayed. Due to the unexpected bad weather we dragged the pre-drinking group we had collected into the sauna. We shared a dorm with two 18 year old Brits – easily swayed thanks to them wearing retainers, being young and privately educated. After a few drinks and shouting one syllable words into Blue-eyed Rapist ears we were graced with his favourite chat up line...

“If you get raped, you jus’ gotta ge’ over it”

Silence fell – “erm excuse me?” He soon received the Annie and K treatment and proceeded to get slapped. By this point one of the 18 year olds was battered and after a few words of encouragement she too joined in.

                    One...,               Two....,               Three....

K fell for Blue-eyed Rapist’s ‘charm’ and had a cheeky snogg – Fatty made head ways for Annie but his chat just wasn’t quite cutting it. The next hour was spent trying to get the wasted 18 year old in the club and fighting with Fatty because he expected some neck action...

After empting their wallets we made a hasty escape from Fatty and Blue-eyed Rapist... During our stumble home we found ourselves demanding drugs from an illiterate obese bouncer, epic fail. We begged for friendship with a police man, he was unimpressed. We then proceeded to pretend to sell meth in our YHA hostel....oh dear. With an overall unenthusiastic reaction we went to bed.

Sydney cock? Well neither of us were willing to get raped or squashed to find out...

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

The Rise of the Street Cotch

THS is Street Cotch!

Hundreds of women and the occasional puff gathering on the walk ways and pavements around exchange square in Hong Kong during the weekend. They sit on or in cardboard boxes eating homemade food, passing as purified animal genitals. They bitch on the phone, nap, play cards, people watch and swear at white lesbian looking couples who won’t stop taking photos.

Think about how much money we flitter away gathering in Starbucks or bars? Their weekend costs equate to almost nothing....

We want you to bring the Street Cotch to England. Grab a cardboard box and set camp, an umbrella would be advised - we’re thinking outside Topshop on Oxford Street or for a more authentic Street Cotch experience pick a pavement in China Town. If you get arrested or mistaken as a tramp then we do apologise in advance!

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Not you’re normal Sunday

It planned to be your average Sunday – a laze on a beach, maybe a few cocktails and then some beauty sleep before another loooong flight inevitably resulting in an overdose of sleeping pills and red wine.

Only plans changed once we sniffed out some potential English shlong, not that we had missed it all that much…

We got chatting to a chappie that had been living in Hong Kong for 5 years and his advice was golden. After only a few minutes he cleverly sussed out what kind of girls we were and therefore invited us to join him to a ‘velvet curtain’ (strip) club. In Hong Kong the line between a strip joint and brothel is VERY fuzzy.

We were soon persuaded by a madam to walk through her clubs curtains. The inside reminds us of Wilkinson’s during Christmas – lots of plastic green trees and tasteless red lights. Plus a few scantily dressed philipino girls drinking shots of “vodka” which we soon sussed out was water.. For a measly $115 Hong Kong dollar “”vodka”” shot (around £11) we got Pilipino chat, tits, arse and a filthy dance but when is that ever enough?

So we joined them on their poles – not so gracefully, our oversized British boobs flying around stage like bulls in a china shop (don’t worry we managed to stay dressed!)

K getting on DOWN

Physically forced some Air head Americans to buy the other girls “”vodka”” shots to get the rest of the girls up on stage and naked.

BUT as much fun as it was, Pilipino muff was NOT the reason for going to Hong Kong and we didn’t think our English chappie could handle the both of us…